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Tuesday, April 26, 2011

First up of the Journey

  Despite trying to prepare myself for what I knew I am still slightly disappointed in my first gain of this journey.  While it wasn't much, I still wish I could have had a loss.  I know my eating hasn't been the best and I know I could have worked out more.  I took 3 days off last week. Sorry if this post is boring but I am STILL recovering from the holidays and all the sugar I put in my body from the ice tea :(   +1 this week total loss -10.4

Friday, April 22, 2011


Yes this is quite embarrassing but I believe in full honesty. I want to change.
Yes, ok this is just one more symptom of being co dependent. I care too much about what others think.
I don't even know why I feel the need to explain myself.
So here without further delay....

Neck:  17.25
Left bi-cep:  13.5
Right bi-cep:  13.75
Chest:  52.5
Waist:: 56.5
Hips: 54.5
Left Thigh: 26.5
Right Thigh: 26
Left calf: 16.5
Right Calf: 17.75

Can you tell where I carry most of my weight?
It's horrendous.
I can say with honesty. No cheesecake, ice-cream, steak, California rolls were worth the feelings that go along with being fat.  Grossly fat.


I think of myself as an intelligent person and I know this journey is going to be full of ups and downs.  I, however am going to be facing my first "up" this week.  Yes, as I said in my previous post I step on the scale a few times a day. I can't help it.  I am still up 3 pounds this morning and with just two days to go I am pretty sure I am going to have some sort of gain this week.  I guess you can call it strange because I have worked out everyday but 1.  Goes to show you what white rice can do to you.  I LOVE california rolls. I wish they could make them without the rice or with brown rice. Better yet I wish I could just say no. Right now with experiencing this gain I am just kinda "ugh". Will I ever get below 200? Will I ever look normal? Will I ever FEEL normal?  I am quite sure I would easily be diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and labeled as Co-dependent.  Could this be weight induced?  I feel like this journey is like walking on a treadmill. It doesn't matter how fast you walk or run you just don't get anywhere. I guess I really should take my measurements.  I think I will do that today.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Food is not your friend

"Weigh in once a week."  Yes, yes I know. I still end up stepping on the scale at least twice a day. It isn't being very kind to me this week but we are only halfway through and I am hoping by going to the gym everyday until Easter can urge it to change it's mind lol.  This morning I was up 4 pounds???huh? How?  Well I know why.  It was probably one or all of the three trips to my favorite sushi place, the few sour patch kids, or the french fries at the ball park.  I know better.  I have done so well working out this week but the truth of the matter is working out is not enough. You have to control what goes into your mouth.  Anyone who has had success knows that you have to realize that the purpose of food is fuel your body not pleasure.  Getting past that is going to make me or break me.  Anyone that knows me knows that I don't break easy so bring on the holiday dinner.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Where's my happily ever after?

Why do I feel like I'm alone?  I have people around me most of the time but I feel like they are there because they have to be and not because they want to be.  Am I really that bad of a person? Am I that horrible to be around.  I wonder if I will ever have a relationship, ANY relationship where the person puts as much effort as I do or cares like I do.  I poured my heart out yesterday and got silence. I walked around smiling saying I have lost 11.4 pounds and the most I got is, "that's good."  No one cares what I think or feel.  No one lives their lives to make me happy. Why do I?  I need to find a hobby (which I am almost positive is working out and blogging), When am I going to make a true friend? I am 36 years old. I should have a friend.  Have I alienated myself that much? I guess so. When am I going to find myself?  Is there a me outside of being a mother?  Can I be honest for a minute? I do not EVER recall of knowing who I am.  I want to stop just making it through each day and having nothing to look forward to the next.  When does my life begin? What do I need to be happy? I don't even know what makes me happy.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

  I have a lot of work to do both mentally and physically.  This isn't a diet. It's a lifetime change. It's me finally getting a life of my own and doing things for me. It's about not only getting "phat"; its about getting a life.

        258 pounds. 11 pounds down 102 left to go. Next weeks goal...get below 100 pounds to lose.

Weigh in #4

I certainly am quite perplexed on how I managed to lose this week. I am also just quite upset with myself. Not for not losing more weight but because I haven't been to the gym once.  I love working out.  I hate getting motivated enough to actually go but I love when I get there. I love sweating.  Now, I have to start all over.  I have to go through getting sore and tired.  I know better.  I love setting goals and meeting them.  I love being able to go faster, improving my mile, doing something new but when you take over a week off you get to go back to nearly square one. Honestly, I think the only reason I managed to lose ANY is the enormous amount of stress I have been under.  All I will say is having teenagers is very stressful along with this economy.

On another note. I DID hit my mini goal of 10 pounds this week. Actually went a little past it.  I lost 2.2 pounds this week for a total of 11.4 pounds in 4 weeks.  So it looks like I get to dye my hair. LOL, No gray hair for Easter. :)  I haven't really noticed a difference so far which is kind of depressing.

My goal this week is to make it to the gym at LEAST 4 days and work out for 5 hours total. At 20 pounds I plan to start adding weight training.  Maybe sooner. Not sure.

My favorite food this week is def. cottage cheese. 2%

Friday, April 15, 2011

Insomnia and stress

So they say no news is good news however with a weight loss blog it's not so good.  Stress and this insomnia is kicking my rear. See, I am not one of those persons who HATE to work out. I actually love it BUT (and I KNOW this sounds like an excuse) its hard trying to feel like working out when you are so tired you cannot lift your head.  I slept some the last few nights so I am praying that it is coming to a close.  Getting rid of the dark circles to go away would be fantastic.Next goal, win the lottery! Not a lot just enough to catch up on all my bills and set some money aside for my children and grandson. To anyone who may read this, you should know. It does not take money to lose weight. I am not wealthy. We get by.  However, I refuse to fail this time. This is life and death and I am choosing life.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Weigh in #3 Way overdue

Tom arrived and I could tell because I could not get motivated.  I have a horrible time during that week.  The good news is I did manage to lose something but not much lol.  I lost 1.2 pounds for a total loss of  9.4 pounds.  I am hoping I hit that 10 pound mark this week. I neeeedd to dye my hair lol.  My sons new nickname for me is salt and pepper.  I think he forgets that him and his sister has caused that gray hair. I haven't been in the gym for over a week :o
Yes I know. I need to get back in there. I know excuses are excuses but for anyone who has had insomnia can testify that it really alters your day to day life. It throws your body completely off and just basic functioning is a challenge.  I nap when I can and sleep a few hours at night.  
I am going to start doing dvd workouts during the day this week.  I sure have spent enough money on them. I may as well get some use out of them.  
So the few of you that get on here and read this I am about 1 pound away from my first mini goal.
Say a prayer for me.

Also on a non weight loss note..Extend those prayers to my little sister who had my niece at 25 weeks is now facing having my nephew early.  Her cervix has started to weaken and she is only 22 weeks. 

Much love


Wednesday, April 6, 2011


Whyyyyyy am I so hungry at night time? I am going through insomnia and I am up most of the night and I am having a large problem staying away from food. I have tried "free foods" and nope. Still starving.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Random rambling..Haha

So it's 4:20 am and of coarse yours truly is awake.  One, I must say it is hot as balls in this house tonight.  Two, rain makes nearly everyone sleepy.  Why not me? Three, teenagers are crazy, bi polar little "demons" lol.  I have two so yes please say a prayer for me.  Four, I cannot figure out how to show all my posts on one page and it's driving me crazy.  Five, the scale is my worst enemy and I wish I could stay off of it except for Sundays.  Six, I really wish my family would take an interest in my weight loss.  I don't think they care one way or another.  Seriously, I have to argue, complain and beg for my daughter to go to the gym with me.  I don't know if that is a motivator or depressor.  Okay time to try to sleep again.  Wish me luck.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Weigh in #2

After a very rough week I worked out hard the past two nights.  I am back up to 30 minutes on the elliptical and plan to move up to 35-40 after my rest days this week.  I am afraid my legs are much to sore to try to push another 5-10 minutes now.  I also am going to set a goal to do 10 minutes on the dreaded arc trainer. If you don't know what this beast is..check out the picture and links below.  I asked youtube what it was and noone seemed to know but then on last weeks Biggest loser Bob shows it and mentions it.  It suppose to be better than the elliptical.  I remember doing 5 minutes on it a few weeks ago before I got serious about my weight loss and I was sore for two days lol. 

A few short term goals I have set for myself are:
10 pounds:  Dye my hair
20 pounds:  Buy myself a new pair of workout shoes
30 pounds:  Buy myself a new outfit & new workout outfit
40 pounds:  Get my hair done at a salon (it's been over 2 years)
50 pounds:  2 outfits & another worout outfit
70 pounds:  Redecorate my bedroom

I would like to be below 200 by the end of August so wish me luck.
Now to this weeks weigh in.
As you could tell in my previous post I had a rough week both emotionally and physically. I ended up eating out twice at a chinese buffet which was a disaster waiting to happen.  I worked out two days which was horrrible :( but I managed somehow to drop 4 pounds :) yayayay  That is a total loss of 8 pounds so far.

Thanks to anyone who is bored enough to sit and read my rambling and for all your support.

About the arc trainer:

Arc Trainer

Arc versus elliptical 2

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Bad week

So after almost a 4 pound weight loss I took Sunday off to celebrate. Sunday turned to Monday...monday turned to tuesday...My daughter got sick wednesday and had to have oral surgery..Thursday I was tired..blah blah. Now yes Friday I did go and I worked hard. I worked hard because I just was hurt and upset about things in my life. I am to blame for some of them so I beat myself up over them.  I went out to eat twice. Just not an overall good week.  Everything is getting to me. I am not sleeping. I have a bit of insomnia which we all know really hurts weight loss.  TOM is on his way in a few days so I am dreading this weeks weigh in. I will only have two workouts in. Honestly, I know I will have noone to blame but myself.  I know the mistakes I make yet I keep repeating them. Why? Because I like to make everyone happy. I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I really do not. I really don't even know me.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Weigh in #1

This post may get a little ehhhh TMI for you guys out there so you may want to skip down lol.
Anway last night I felt good ol' TOM coming on so I was nervous about my weigh in this morning.  I know from experience that I can put on a good 3-5 pounds just during that week. I actually ended up weighing in early afternoon because this is my day to be lazy where Lindsey completely takes care of Braiden and Grandma gets to rest (I feel I should clarify, she takes care of him EVERYDAY after school and through the night and on Saturday's as well but this weekend I gave her a bit of a break and let her go on a mini trip with Jared and Friday she went to a movie with a friend after Braiden was asleep) buttt you get the idea of what I am saying.
Well the first time I stepped on the scale I was leaning so I didn't trust the reading so I stepped on again. and....

-4 pounds :)

Let me tell ya I worked hard for those. Next week is TOM week so I am not looking forward to that weigh in but thank god for small miracles.I am so happy and proud.
I am going to enjoy my day off today and get back to it tomorrow.

Thank you to everyone who took time to read this.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Tomorrow is weigh in #1

So tomorrow I get to step on the scale and I am a little nervous. I am having a very blah day. I feel down and crappy and I feel like I am never going to get where I want to be. 
I have been addicted to watching other youtube weight loss videos for the past few days. Why is it that you think well people are going to be bad looking overweight?  Nope, most of these girls are beautiful even if they are overweight.  Am I doomed to be unattractive (my own standards)? I have so much fat on my face that it looks like my eyes sag and I promise you they do not when I am not 269 pounds.  It could be just from depression and stress as well.  I am going to force myself to work out and talk myself through working out as hard as I can. I haven't consumed near my water goal and that has me worried that if I drink a ton tonight that its going to sabotage my weigh in tomorrow. Ugh! Hey that is something to research.

More is a good writing day.


Friday, March 25, 2011

The hardest part

I fully believe the hardest part of a journey is getting started.  I feel like I have so far to go that I will never get there.  I am pretty hard on myself knowing two years ago I had gotten down to 235 and now I am 34 pounds heavier.  It seems like it takes forever.  I wish I could work out 6 or more hours a day to get the results contestants on the BL achieve but my body just seemsss to not be built that way.  I can't use the excuse of being old because many of them are older than me :\   I remember it took me nearly two weeks the last time to get in the full swing of things and for working out to become automatic.  I am still in the stage where I have to talk myself into working out. I mean once I am there and get going I am fine but boy getting on the machine is daunting. I did manage to do 30 minutes on the elliptical alternating between level 4 & 12. I walked on the treadmill 26 minutes at 2.4-2.9 and doing incline intervals.  I cannot walk fast. It feels like I am going to pass out and I have shin splints.  It sucks having it take 24.50 to do one mile. I see people doing 12 minute miles and I really don't see that happening any time soon lol.  I am using My fitness pal and it is helping me A LOT on counting the calories instead of "guessing" if I am eating ok.  I am still coming up with a plan on which day to weigh in and which day to take off. I know I normally do not like to take off on the day I weigh in because if I am up or the same I like to go vent on the machines.  I also really have only been doing cardio. I did go out and get a kettlebell (10 pounds) that really helped me firm up my arms and shoulders last time. I just sit around while I am doing nothing and lift it until I can't anymore.  I want to wait until the cardio is just a tad bit easier to add weights.  I plan too in about a week and a half.  One thing, is if anyone does read this I love to write so this blog will be pretty active. It may contain things emotionally that I am going through because as we all know this isn't just a physical journey.  Well until next time.


SW:  269
1st goal:  250 by May 1st
GW: 155