Monday, April 18, 2011
Where's my happily ever after?
Why do I feel like I'm alone? I have people around me most of the time but I feel like they are there because they have to be and not because they want to be. Am I really that bad of a person? Am I that horrible to be around. I wonder if I will ever have a relationship, ANY relationship where the person puts as much effort as I do or cares like I do. I poured my heart out yesterday and got silence. I walked around smiling saying I have lost 11.4 pounds and the most I got is, "that's good." No one cares what I think or feel. No one lives their lives to make me happy. Why do I? I need to find a hobby (which I am almost positive is working out and blogging), When am I going to make a true friend? I am 36 years old. I should have a friend. Have I alienated myself that much? I guess so. When am I going to find myself? Is there a me outside of being a mother? Can I be honest for a minute? I do not EVER recall of knowing who I am. I want to stop just making it through each day and having nothing to look forward to the next. When does my life begin? What do I need to be happy? I don't even know what makes me happy.
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I hate to hear you question your place in this world so much. You have to know how important you are to your family, even if they don't show it all of the time. I can relate to these feelings though and I agree with you when you say you have to find something that is "yours". When I went back to school, I stopped waiting for other validation of me, because I had my own accomplishments that I alone was proud of. You keep writing, keep being a wonderful, mother, grandmother and wife. Those are admirable things. Your life is what you make it...so cliche, I know...but it is true! And I love you, I will always be your friend, not matter what.....
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