First up of the Journey

  Despite trying to prepare myself for what I knew I am still slightly disappointed in my first gain of this journey.  While it wasn't much, I still wish I could have had a loss.  I know my eating hasn't been the best and I know I could have worked out more.  I took 3 days off last week. Sorry if this post is boring but I am STILL recovering from the holidays and all the sugar I put in my body from the ice tea :(   +1 this week total loss -10.4

Measurements

Yes this is quite embarrassing but I believe in full honesty. I want to change.
Yes, ok this is just one more symptom of being co dependent. I care too much about what others think.
I don't even know why I feel the need to explain myself.
So here without further delay....

Neck:  17.25
Left bi-cep:  13.5
Right bi-cep:  13.75
Chest:  52.5
Waist:: 56.5
Hips: 54.5
Left Thigh: 26.5
Right Thigh: 26
Left calf: 16.5
Right Calf: 17.75

Can you tell where I carry most of my weight?
It's horrendous.
I can say with honesty. No cheesecake, ice-cream, steak, California rolls were worth the feelings that go along with being fat.  Grossly fat.

Normal?

I think of myself as an intelligent person and I know this journey is going to be full of ups and downs.  I, however am going to be facing my first "up" this week.  Yes, as I said in my previous post I step on the scale a few times a day. I can't help it.  I am still up 3 pounds this morning and with just two days to go I am pretty sure I am going to have some sort of gain this week.  I guess you can call it strange because I have worked out everyday but 1.  Goes to show you what white rice can do to you.  I LOVE california rolls. I wish they could make them without the rice or with brown rice. Better yet I wish I could just say no. Right now with experiencing this gain I am just kinda "ugh". Will I ever get below 200? Will I ever look normal? Will I ever FEEL normal?  I am quite sure I would easily be diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and labeled as Co-dependent.  Could this be weight induced?  I feel like this journey is like walking on a treadmill. It doesn't matter how fast you walk or run you just don't get anywhere. I guess I really should take my measurements.  I think I will do that today.

Food is not your friend

"Weigh in once a week."  Yes, yes I know. I still end up stepping on the scale at least twice a day. It isn't being very kind to me this week but we are only halfway through and I am hoping by going to the gym everyday until Easter can urge it to change it's mind lol.  This morning I was up 4 pounds???huh? How?  Well I know why.  It was probably one or all of the three trips to my favorite sushi place, the few sour patch kids, or the french fries at the ball park.  I know better.  I have done so well working out this week but the truth of the matter is working out is not enough. You have to control what goes into your mouth.  Anyone who has had success knows that you have to realize that the purpose of food is fuel your body not pleasure.  Getting past that is going to make me or break me.  Anyone that knows me knows that I don't break easy so bring on the holiday dinner.

Where's my happily ever after?

Why do I feel like I'm alone?  I have people around me most of the time but I feel like they are there because they have to be and not because they want to be.  Am I really that bad of a person? Am I that horrible to be around.  I wonder if I will ever have a relationship, ANY relationship where the person puts as much effort as I do or cares like I do.  I poured my heart out yesterday and got silence. I walked around smiling saying I have lost 11.4 pounds and the most I got is, "that's good."  No one cares what I think or feel.  No one lives their lives to make me happy. Why do I?  I need to find a hobby (which I am almost positive is working out and blogging), When am I going to make a true friend? I am 36 years old. I should have a friend.  Have I alienated myself that much? I guess so. When am I going to find myself?  Is there a me outside of being a mother?  Can I be honest for a minute? I do not EVER recall of knowing who I am.  I want to stop just making it through each day and having nothing to look forward to the next.  When does my life begin? What do I need to be happy? I don't even know what makes me happy.

  I have a lot of work to do both mentally and physically.  This isn't a diet. It's a lifetime change. It's me finally getting a life of my own and doing things for me. It's about not only getting "phat"; its about getting a life.

        258 pounds. 11 pounds down 102 left to go. Next weeks goal...get below 100 pounds to lose.

Weigh in #4

I certainly am quite perplexed on how I managed to lose this week. I am also just quite upset with myself. Not for not losing more weight but because I haven't been to the gym once.  I love working out.  I hate getting motivated enough to actually go but I love when I get there. I love sweating.  Now, I have to start all over.  I have to go through getting sore and tired.  I know better.  I love setting goals and meeting them.  I love being able to go faster, improving my mile, doing something new but when you take over a week off you get to go back to nearly square one. Honestly, I think the only reason I managed to lose ANY is the enormous amount of stress I have been under.  All I will say is having teenagers is very stressful along with this economy.

On another note. I DID hit my mini goal of 10 pounds this week. Actually went a little past it.  I lost 2.2 pounds this week for a total of 11.4 pounds in 4 weeks.  So it looks like I get to dye my hair. LOL, No gray hair for Easter. :)  I haven't really noticed a difference so far which is kind of depressing.

My goal this week is to make it to the gym at LEAST 4 days and work out for 5 hours total. At 20 pounds I plan to start adding weight training.  Maybe sooner. Not sure.

My favorite food this week is def. cottage cheese. 2%